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Richard Benyo: Articles and Columns

SCRIPTS

Cheers

1986

"Diane Gets Physical"

In 1986 I took a course in scriptwriting at a writers' collective in San Jose. At one session the instructor, who had done scripts for TV shows such as Cagney & Lacy, told us that the producers of Cheers were looking at scripts from outside their staff writers. I put together the following script and sent it to them. They took the script home with them over the Christmas Holidays (I assume with a whole lot of other scripts) and read it, but decided not to use it. Note: This script was prepared after Coach had died and before Woody was hired to replace him, hence introducing Patsy Milan as the potential new bartender. I wrote the script longer than necessary, figuring it is much easier to remove copy than to insert copy to flesh a script out, as creating transitions that work toward inserting copy is extremely difficult.

Cheers

"DIANE GETS PHYSICAL"

Cast

DIANE

NORM

PATSY MILAN

SAM

CARLA

CLIFF

YUPPIE #1

YUPPIE #2

BILL RODGERS

AMBULANCE ATTENDANTS (2)

GINA (NURSE)

SETS AND LOCATIONS

Interior

Cheers bar

Sam's office

Stock shots

Spring scene of people at picnic along River Charles

Commonwealth Ave. in the spring

Boston 10K road race

TEASER

FADE IN:

DIANE IS TYING HER APRON, ABOUT TO BEGIN HER SHIFT. NORM IS AT HIS USUAL STOOL AT THE END OF THE BAR, SWILLING BEER FROM A MUG. PATSY MILAN, A LANKY, SIXTYISH IRISHMAN WITH AN OFT-BROKEN NOSE, TATTOOS ON HIS ARMS, AND A CREWCUT, BUT FASTIDIOUS, IS TENDING BAR. A LIGHT MID-AFTERNOON CROWD PEPPERS THE BAR STOOLS AND IN THE B.G. DIANE IS INTENT ON HER APRON-TYING, HER MOTIONS ALL THUMBS, HER HEAD INCLINED TOWARD NORM. SHE STOPS IN THE MIDST OF ANOTHER FAILED ATTEMPT, FREEZES FOR A MOMENT, LIFTS THE LEFT SIDE OF HER SKIRT AND PINCHES HER THIGH, THEREBY EXPOSING HER UPPER LEG. NORM LEANS AROUND THE BAR, PATSY LEANS OVER THE BAR, WHILE DIANE IS OBLIVIOUS. AS SHE PINCHES HER THIGH A SECOND TIME, SHE FROWNS AND SHUFFLES OVER TO NORM. SHE IS STILL QUITE OBLIVIOUS TO PATSY. SHE STRAIGHTENS UP, FACES NORM, POUTS.

DIANE

Ooooooooh, pooh!

NORM

Ah, let's see. A quote from the poetry of Edgar Alan Poe. 'The Raven Meets Winnie the Pooh.' No, no. Give me a second - Batman and Robin after Batman finds a run in his leotards -

DIANE

Oh Norman, I'm not quoting anyone. (EXASPERATED) I'm quoting me.

NORM

Well that's why I didn't recognize it. What's the matter, Diane? Lose your garter at someone else's wedding? (LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE) I couldn't help, ya know, but notice you lookin' for something on your leg.

DIANE

Yah, well - I found what I wasn't looking for. (THROWS UP LEFT HAND IN SURRENDER) Oh, Norman, I'm aging. I've been finding cellulite on my thighs and - (POUTS; LOWERS VOICE) –on my tush. I'm sagging in some places and spreading in others. I'm at my mental zenith and my physical depths: young enough to care about what I look like but too old to maintain my looks without a major commitment. My subcutaneous fat cells have staged a coup and I'm the loser -

NORM

Your fat cells have revolted? Mine took over the entire country and spread into neighboring nations. (HE LEANS TOWARD HER LIKE A CO-CONSPIRATOR) Sooner or later it happens to everyone, Diane.

DIANE

It didn't happen to Grete Garbo.

NORM

(WITH RAISED EYEBROWS) It would have if she'd gone to more parties. (BEAT) Look. You just have to learn to accept it. Accept it and go with it! It can give you a whole new outlook toward life in general and yourself in particular. It can humble you, Diane. And to start you on the true path, I'll willingly make a donation. (HE FINGERS HIS BELLY) I've got a few million little calories. I wouldn't mind donating some of 'em to a potential fatty.

PATSY HAS EASED HIMSELF ALONG THE BAR AND PEERS OVER IT AT NORM'S BELLY WHILE NORM TALKS. DIANE SPOTS HIM OUT OF THE CORNER OF HER EYE AND SHE STARTS. PATSY GOES INTO A FIGHTER'S DEFENSIVE STANCE AND WALTZES BACK TO THE FAR CORNER OF THE BAR, WAVING "GOODBYE" AS HE GOES. HE BEGINS WASHING GLASSES IN THE BEHIND-THE-BAR SINK.

DIANE

(LEANING IN CLOSE TO NORMAN) Who's that?

NORM

You don't know?

DIANE

Come on, Norman. Who is that?

SHE INDICATES PATSY WITH A BADLY-HIDDEN RAPID MOVEMENT OF HER HEAD AND A TWITCH OF THE EYE.

NORM

Sam didn't fill you in on our temporary bartender?

DIANE

(STOMPS HER FOOT, SCOWLS AT NORM) Norman!

NORM

(LAUGHING) It's Coach's half-brother, Patsy Milan. He's an ex-fighter, with one too many direct hits - (NORM POINTS AT HIS OWN TEMPLE) –if you know what I mean. He's late of the merchant marines, came by to see Coach after a lot of years, hadn't heard the news because he'd been to sea, so he's staying over for a few weeks to visit the old neighborhood. Guess he wants to see if anyone is still alive.

DIANE

Oh, come on. I never heard Coach talk about a brother.

NORM

Half-brother. (BEAT) Well, now you can see why. (RAISES HIS HAND AS IF TO DEFEND HIMSELF FROM DIANE; TURNS IT INTO A MOCK SCOUT OATH) Here, I can prove it beyond the shadow of a doubt. Watch this... (POINTS AT EMPTY MUG IN FRONT OF HIM; PATSY SIDLES OVER TO FILL IT) Say, Patsy me-man. You wouldn't know anything about - (LOWERS HIS VOICE DRAMATICALLY) –fat, would you?

PATSY

(LOOKS TO CEILING WHILE UCONSCIOUSLY WIPING BAR) Never had much use for it myself. But I do remember Gino the Fat Man. Use-ta perform at Nantasket's Paragon Park. Use-ta hide rolls-a quarters in his rolls-a fat, he did...

DIANE

(DEJECTEDLY) Maybe I could become Gino's partner.

NORM

Depends on what you've got to hide...

PATSY

No, no. They ain't hidin' Paragon Park. It just went outta business.

NORM

Yeah. Gino probably ate it.

PATSY

(STILL EYEING DIANE'S TUSH OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE) No, don't recall that was part of his act. That kind of act could put the whole place out of business fast. No. They'd have nicked that act in the butt -

DIANE

(FROWNING) Uncanny...

FADE OUT

TITLES

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. CHEERS BAR. EARLY EVENING.

THE BAR IS FILLED WITH THE USUAL CROWD (MINUS NORM AND DIANE): SAM IS BEHIND THE BAR SWILLING MINERAL WATER AND GABBING WITH SOMEONE OVER THE BACK SIDE OF THE BAR; CARLA IS WIPING HER TRAY AT THE WAITRESS STATION AT THE FRONT-DOOR END OF THE BAR; PATSY IS POLISHING GLASSES FROM THE OVERHEAD RACK, INSPECTING EACH ONE CRITICALLY AS HE PROGRESSES DOWN THE LINE, METICULOUS IN HIS MINDLESS WORK. CLIFF IS ON HIS USUAL STOOL BENDING THE EAR OF YUPPIE #1, WHO TRIES TO EDGE AWAY. IT IS A GOOD CROWD FOR SO EARLY IN THE EVENING.

CLIFF

(FINGER RAISED FOR SERVICE) Another brew over here, Patsy, my man.

PATSY

(DELIVERING THE GOODS) Comin' right up, Clifford, me man.

CLIFF

Say, Patsy, you were once a practitioner of the pugilistic arts -

PATSY

I've taken a few good ones on the chin in my time, I guess.

CLIFF

(IN AN ASIDE TO HIS YUPPIE NEIGHBOR) Boy, I'll say he has... (TO PATSY) So on a scale from one to ten - for comparison's sake, let's say - just how difficult is it to train to, as you say, take a few on the chin, you know, relative to other sports that could be considered the wimp sports, but still covered in magazines such as Sports Illustrated, talking wimp sports here like golf and chess and lawn bowling?

SAM, OVERHEARING THE GIST OF THE DISCUSSION, WANDERS OVER TO HOVER IN THE B.G.

PATSY

(STARES AT CEILING, THINKING) On a scale of one to ten -

CLIFF

If this question's too hard, we can try another category... (CLIFF LAUGHS BUT SAM SHUSHES HIM)

PATSY

No, no. This question's just fine. I'm just thinking about it unconsciously. Besides, it's one of my favorite categories...

CLIFF

CLIFF

(URGES PATSY WITH A 'COME ON' GESTURE) And the answer is -

PATSY

We're talking about any fighter here, either amateur Olympic hopeful or over-the-hill pro -

CLIFF

Yes, yes, either - Any - yes--! (ASIDE TO THE YPPIE) We should have a category for 'run over by a Mack truck' -

PATSY

I'd say...a three.

SAM

(AGHAST, AS IS THE CROWD) Three?! But all that roadwork, all those hours of punching the bag, all that self-denial, all that...learning to jump rope. (LAUGHS) Oh, oh. I get it. You're joking. Right? It's a joke. You're just saying that to play us along to get a discussion going. So Cliffy'll say, 'Naw, that's impossible. Fighters work damned hard. They're used to training much harder than...than a basketball player or a stock car driver.' (PATSY LOOKS INCREASINGLY BEWILDERED) Right? That's just what you're leading up to, isn't it?

PATSY

I am? (SAM VIGOROSLY SHAKES HIS HEAD IN THE POSITIVE) Oh, yeah, I guess I am. (ASIDE TO SAM LOUD ENOUGH FOR ALL TO HEAR) What was that I was going to say to Cliff about learning to drive a car?

CLIFF

(HOLDING UP HIS FINGERS) Three. Three. Three!

PATSY

(COUNTING ON HIS FINGERS) That's...nine. But Cliff, I just drew you another beer. If you get nine at once they'll go flat before you can drink them.

CLIFF

(TO YUPPIE) I give up. What'd'ya think-a that. I ask for some intelligent input and what do I get? (YUPPIE SPOTS SOMETHING HAPPENING BEHIND CLIFF'S BACK AND POINTS)

PATSY

(LINING UP NINE BEERS BEFORE CLIFF) Here y'are, Cliff. The ninth one's on the house.

SAM SMACKS HIS FOREHEAD WITH HIS PALM AND TURNS AROUND IN A CIRCLE.

SAM

Patsy, we've got to have a talk -

AT THAT MOMENT THE FRONT DOOR IS FLUNG BACK AND DIANE ENTERS, DISHEVELED, DROOPING, A LIMP DESIGNER GYM BAG HANGING FROM HER HAND.

CARLA

Well, well. Talk about fights. Looks like Diane got mugged. (THE GUYS RUSH TO HELP HER) Bet the poor guy turned himself in when he saw what he'd latched onto.

THE GANG HELPS DIANE INTO A SEAT AT THE TABLE NEAR THE DOOR, AND SHE WEAKLY TRIES TO SHOO THEM AWAY. ALL EXPRESS VARYING STYLES OF CONCERN: PATSY STRIPES OFF HIS APRON AND FANS HER, SAM PATS HER WRIST, AND CLIFF LOOKS ON WITH APPARENT CONCERN. DIANE AGAIN ATTEMPTS TO WAVE THEM OFF.

PATSY

Where'd it happen, Diane? I'll catch them and throw them a punch or two that'd put them into the middle of next week -

CLIFF

Get them? If a real fighter's a three, you're owin' money to the bank, my friend. Diane, was it muggers or a truck? (PULLS COIN FROM POCKET) I shall donate the necessary funds to all the police. Let it never be said that Clifford Claven is one to shrug his civic duty.

DIANE

(WAVING THEM AWAY) I'm okay, I'm fine. In fact I'm better than ever. (FORCES HER WAY TO HER FEET)

CLIFF

A concussion, a concussion! Don't let her hurt herself any more. (TAKES HER HAND FROM SAM AND FORCES HER BACK DOWN) I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I really think you should take a look in the mirror before you say you're better than ever.

CARLA

(FROM OFF-CAMERA) Not in the ladies' room! Sam just had those mirrors replaced.

DIANE

I'm perfectly fine. (SHE AGAIN BREAKS LOOSE AND STANDS) I was just in a hurry to get here, to my little part-time job, after a wonderful workout at the gym and the B.C. track, and I'm merely a little...flushed...is all. Flushed with the wild, hot blood of physical endeavor.

CLIFF

(ASIDE TO SAM) I think she's flushed with some 90-proof whiskey.

DIANE

(STRAIGHTENING HERSELF AND HEADING FOR THE LADIES' ROOM) I'm quite all right, thank you, and I have not been drinking - unless the draft of physical fitness is intoxicating. And if it is, let me drink my fill.

CLIFF

Classic concussion -

SAM

She's flipped - again.

CARLA

She's flipped - still.

PATSY

No, I've seen this before -

CLIFF

Some South Seas disease you encountered during your merchant marine days?

PATSY

No. Worse - and better. Diane's got the “Let's get physical” bug.

SAM

Diane? Physical? The most physical she gets is carrying books home from the library.

PATSY

She said a couple-a weeks ago that she wanted to lose some pounds and fight the...the...encrotchment -

SAM

(STOPPED IN HIS TRACKS) Encroachment, Patsy, encroachment.

PATSY

What do exterminators have to do with Diane going to the gym?

CLIFF

(FROM BACK AT HIS USUAL BARSTOOL) Well, if you ask me -

CROWD

Nobody's asking!

SAM

(PUSHING ONE OF CLIFF'S NINE BEERS TOWARD HIM) Go ahead, Cliff. What were you going to say?

CLIFF

Before I was so rudely interrupted -

SAM

Before you were so rudely interrupted -

CLIFF

(LOOKING AROUND FOR DISSENTERS) If you ask me, the only time a woman should get physical is if she's makin' love to her man or if she's trainin' to be a professional mud wrestler -

SAM

Or a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader -

CLIFF

(RAISES HIS GLASS TO SAM) Here, here!

SAM

(FIDGETS A BIT, WIPES HIS MOUTH, WARMING TO THE SUBJECT) Women - Women are the great spectators. (OFF TO THE SIDE, DIANE COMES OUT OF THE LADIES' ROOM) They have always provided a supportive role to man's physical endeavors. (LOOKS TO CLIFF FOR SUPPORT) Correct me if I'm wrong, but in Ancient Greece women weren't even allowed to attend sporting events. (CLIFF LOOKS AROUND FOR DISSENTERS AND FINDING NONE, RAISES HIS GLASS TO SAM) So in reality, they've come a long way in...how many years? Nearly three thousand?

DIANE

Too bad the male mind hasn't evolved as quickly as has the cockroach in three thousand years -

CLIFF

Now, Diane, Sam's got the floor here. As soon as you become an athlete, you'll get a chance to speak of things athletic -

DIANE

How about the great female athletes, Mr. Sam “Know It All” Malone?

SAM

Yeah, but Diane, that's the point. Males are always better athletes. Could Tracy Austin beat John McElroe in tennis? Could Janet Guthrie beat A.J. Foyt at the Indy 500? (BEAT) You're doin' a little running there, Diane. Could Joanie Benoit beat Frank Shorter?

DIANE

Well, maybe she could - some day.

CLIFF

Diane, maybes don't count. We're talkin' facts here. Proceed, Sam.

SAM

Women have always been the - (HE RAISES HIS HAND LIKE AN ORATOR) - the inspiration for the male's athletic feats. That's why they put cheerleaders along the sidelines at football games. To remind the players of one of the main reasons they're out there getting their heads knocked together.

DIANE

Women are the trophies, the prizes? I can barely believe my ears. Somebody find me a calendar. I want to see what century we're in -

CLIFF

Historical fact, Diane. Sam's right.

DIANE

I'm sure I don't want to hear your trumped up explanation.

CLIFF

(ACTING OFFENDED) Well, then, I shall keep my pearls of wisdom to myself.

CARLA

All your pearls of wisdom strung together couldn't make a necklace for a flea.

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND NORM COMES STOMPING IN.

CROWD

Norm!

NORM

Whoa! What's happening everybody?

CARLA

Diane's getting physical.

NORM

(TURNING ON HIS HEEL) Allergy to exercise induced perspiration here -

DIANE

(RUNING AFTER NORM, CATCHING HOLD OF HIS SLEEVE) Come on back, Norman. They're just being...ignorant.

NORM

My kind-a bar (ASIDE TO DIANE WHO IS LEADING HIM TO HIS USUAL STOOL) You ain't gonna do anything kinky to me, are you? I saw that female bodybuilding movie and if you're gonna get kinky with me I want time to get ready to enjoy it. (SHE SEATS HIM; HE HOLDS OUT A SHAKING HAND) I'd better have a drink to steady my nerves. (GLANCES AT CLIFF'S LINE OF BEERS ) Hey, Cliffy, goin' on a binge or something?

CLIFF

Breakdown in communications.

NORM

That's a speech problem I'd like to have.

CLIFF

Diane here has been noticing some fat cells taking up residence on her body and has gone out and behind our backs, mind you, she's been going to a gym and takin' up joggin' and other athletic stuff.

NORM

I thought about doing that once, but Vera stopped me before I made a fool of myself. She said they'd put me behind bars if they saw me comin' down the street like that, flouncin' 'en everything.

CARLA

You been in bars all your life. Why not get behind some once in a while?

NORM

So what's the story here, Diane? You really engaging in physical activity? I thought you were of the mind-before-body cult -

DIANE

I've decided to reach for the Greek ideal of sound mind coupled with sound body.

CLIFF

Yeah, well, just keep in mind, Diane, that a lot of them Ancient Greeks ran around naked when they did their physical training regimens.

PATSY

I dunno - I been to Greece and I didn't see -

CLIFF

--any naked people.

NORM

You obviously went in the wrong decade.

PATSY

No. We were there in August.

SAM

So, Diane, what kind of training are you doing?

DIANE

Oh, thirty minutes of aerobic dance, thirty minutes of running on the track, and fifteen minutes of working with dumbbells.

CARLA

(IN MOCKING SING-SONG) Working with the dumbbells. (NOW JUST PLAIN MOCKING) They're the ones working with the dumbbell.

CLIFF

So there's thirty-five hundred calories to a pound. Correct me if I'm wrong, Diane. So how many calories have you vanquished to the outer limits?

DIANE

I've lost three-point-two pounds to date.

CLIFF

And you've been at this for how many weeks?

DIANE

Four.

CLIFF

Whoa! Four weeks, three-point-two pounds. Not much, Diane.

NORM

To me three-point-two pounds wouldn't even register.

CLIFF

On you the anchor from the Queen Mary wouldn't register.

NORM

Cliff, someday that steam-shovel mouth of yours is gonna dig a hole so deep you're gonna fall in and they'll never find you. (BEAT) Some of us won't even bother looking.

SAM

All right, you guys. That's enough. (BEAT) So really, Diane, why are you doing this?

DIANE

I have made a commitment, to myself, to do something positive with my life - so I don't approach my middle years looking and feeling like a cow. (SHE BEGINS TO WARM TO THE SUBJECT) I want to go into my middle years fit in mind and body -

PATSY

(GETTING CAUGHT UP IN HER EXCITEMENT) –a lean, clean, fighting machine!

DIANE

Clean? I'm not sure that's exactly the way I'd put it, but yes, lean and...clean...to more effectively take on the vicissitudes of daily life. Lean, clean Diane Chambers. She entered her middle years with her heat held high, and not with her tail between her legs.

CARLA

(FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BAR) I always said she was a real dog.

DIANE

My body is the temple of my mind, and I shall repair it and make it better. And! I shall watch from my temple as yours, Mr. Smart-Guy Malone, falls apart - a process that has already begun.

SAM

(PULLING IN HIS GUT) Hey, whoa there! Sam Malone may be aging, but he's doing so gracefully.

DIANE

Matter of opinion. (BEAT) You've stayed in pretty good shape, Patsy. What do you do on a regular basis?

PATSY

(HIS HEAD BACK AND CHEST OUT) No smokin', plenty of rest, modest drinking, do two or three miles of roadwork early every morning, no fried foods -

CLIFF

And no brain wave activity -

DIANE

Clifford!

CLIFF

Only trying to bring this whole thing down to a lighter plain.

DIANE

One's health and fitness should not be taken lightly.

SAM

Come on, Diane. You are taking this whole thing too seriously. You're not going to fall over dead next week. And women who exercise aren't sexy; nobody wants them, you know. Except muscle freak-o types who want to lick the sweat from a lady bodybuilder's legs because it's the 'in' thing to do this week. Women are supposed to be soft and pliable - (HE DRAWS A PICTURE IN THE AIR WITH HIS HANDS) –and demur and dainty and sexy.

CLIFF

Sounds like Miss February to me, Sammy.

DIANE

Sam Malone, you're beyond Neanderthal.

DIANE STOMPS HER FOOT AND GOES TO WORK WITH A VENGENCE, WHILE SAM BEGINS REMINISCING ABOUT WOMEN HE HAS KNOWN. PATSY AND NORM HIDE THEIR HEADS IN THEIR HANDS. CLIFF IS ENTRANCED, CARLA FASCINATED.

SAM

Loretta was sheer poetry. The rear view you got when she motored away... She was a real perpetual motion machine, a finely-tuned Ferrari...

FADE TO:

STOCK SHOT OF FOLKS PICNICKING ALONG RIVER CHARLES.

FADE IN:

INT. CHEERS BAR. LATE AFTERNOON.

IT IS TWO WEEKS LATER. THE BAR IS ENJOYING A NICE CROWD FOR HAPPY HOUR. PATSY OFFICIATES BEHIND THE BAR WHILE CARLA WAITS TABLES; SAM SIPS A MINERAL WATER WHILE TALKING WITH CLIFF AND YUPPIE #2 (OBVIOUSLY THE TALK IS THE RED SOX, AND IT'S A HEATED DISCUSSION). SUDDENLY, NORM STICKS HIS HEAD AROUND THE DOOR FRAME OF SAM'S OFFICE.

NORM

Psssssst! Pssst! Sam!

SAM DISCRETELY LEAVES THE BAR WITHOUT DISTURBING THE TRAIN OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN CLIFF AND HIS YUPPIE ADVERSARY. SAM MOVES TO HIS OFFICE DOORWAY.

SAM

What is it, Norm? You okay?

NORM

(PUTS INDEX FINGER TO LIPS TO QUIET SAM) I need some help here. This thing is a little more awkward than I bargained for.

SAM

Hmmmm. How about if you push and I'll pull?

NORM

Great, great. You're a prince, Sammy.

NORM'S HEAD DISAPPEARS INTO SAM'S OFFICE AND SAM TAKES HOLD OF SOMETHING INSIDE THE DOORWAY.

NORM

(FROM INSIDE SAM'S OFFICE) I just don't know how I get myself into these situations -

SAM

Push, Norm. It's got to come around the corner. Those modifications you made last night weren't designed to make sharp turns.

WITH A HEAVE SAM BACKS OUT OF THE OFFICE, GUIDING A MOUNTAIN BIKE THAT'S BEEN CUSTOMIZED TO HOLD A BASKET IN THE FRONT (FILLED WITH AN ARRAY OF BEER MUGS) AND A PAIR OF COOLERS IN THE BACK THAT HUNG UP GETTING AROUND THE DOOR FRAME. NORM FOLLOWS THE BICYCLE, PUSHING IT, WHILE DRESSED IN ANONYMOUS GRAY SWEATSUIT, WEARING COLLEGE GYM PANTS OVER THE SWEATSUIT PANTS, SHOD IN HIGH-TOP SNEAKERS. THE PATRONS TURN AT THE SOUND OF THE COMMOTION.

PATRONS

Norm!

NORM

Coming through! Coming through!

NORM AND SAM LEAN THE BIKE AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE BAR IN FULL VIEW OF THE CAMERA, SAM PATTING THE SADDLE AFFECTIONATELY, NORM MOUTING HIS USUAL STOOL. PATSY SLAPS A BEER DOWN IN FRONT OF NORM.

CLIFF

(FAKING INCREDULITY) What? Ya leavin' oh a world tour?

CARLA

The big gray whale couldn't pedal his buns around the block, much less around the world.

NORM

(IN AN ASIDE TO SAM) She may be right, Sam.

SAM

Naw. You'll have fun. A little physical abuse never hurt anyone.

CARLA

(RUBS HANDS TOGETHER) Did someone say physical abuse?

NORM

Patsy, you wanna fill Old Paint up when you get a minute?

PATSY

How many cans per mile you figure this thing takes?

NORM

(WETS FINGER AND HOLDS IT IN THE AIR) Anybody have a barometer I can borrow? Hahaha. Seriously. Couple-a six-packs should do it. Just make sure they're not unbalanced when you put them in there -

CARLA

(GRITS TEETH) Unbalanced? Naw. I can't. It's Lent and I've sworn off stating the obvious.

CLIFF

This your first foray with Diane and her - (LOOKS AROUND TO MAKE CERTAIN EVERYONE GETS HIS POINT) –her coach, is it, Norm?

NORM

Yeah, I don't know how I get myself mixed up -

PATSY

Well, you volunteered to help Diane train -

NORM

Yeah, but only because these guys were ganging up on her last night.

CLIFF

And because you were working your right arm - (DOES ARM CURL WITH BEER MUG IN RIGHT HAND) –too hard in some strength-training exercises.

SAM

(POINTS AT NORM'S MUG) The golden curse.

CARLA

(POINTS AT THE DOOR) Here's the golden curse.

DAINE COMES RUSHING THROUGH THE DOORS WHILE EVERYONE STARES AT HER. SHE IS WEARING AN AEROBICS DANCE OUTFIT. SHE RUSHES THROUGH LIKE A WHIRLWIND, HEADED FOR THE LADIES' ROOM. A FEW SECONDS LATER SHE REAPPEARS, WEARING HER WAITRESS OUTFIT. IN ONE SMOOTH MOTION SHE MOVES UP TO THE BAR WHERE PATSY HAS JUST PLACED A PITCHER OF BEER AND FOUR MUGS ON A TRAY: SHE HEFTS IT EASILY, STARTS OFF, RETURNS WEARING A CONFUSED LOOK, PATSY POINTS TO THE TABLE FOR WHICH IT'S MEANT, AND SHE RUSHES TO MAKE THE DELIVERY. THE GANG WATCHES OPEN-MOUTHED.

CLIFF

Kinda frightening, ain't it?

CARLA

Yeah, I guess Sam's glad he's not mixed up with her anymore. She'd pulverize him if she got a twitch in her little finger.

DIANE RUSHES BACK, TAKING AN ORDER TO THE BACK ROOM. THE GANG'S GAZE COLLECTIVELY FOLLOWS. CARLA SHRUGS AND FOLLOWS DIANE.

NORM

(TAKES A LONG SUCK OF BEER) Exhausting -

THE SOUND OF COMMOTION FROM THE GAME ROOM; CARLA RUSHES BACK INTO THE BAR.

CARLA

You gotta do something, Sam. Diane just arm wrestled with one of the customers double-or-nothing for the tip and she hurt him. He's threatening to sue.

DIANE ENTERS THE BAR SHOVING DOLLAR BILLS INTO HER APRON. STILL MOVING THROUGH HER WORK AT A MILE A MINUTE, SHE COMES BY THE WAITRESS STATION TO PICK UP AN ORDER WHEN SHE SEES NORMAN'S BIKE.

DIANE

So, Norman, you are coming with us this afternoon.

NORM

Wouldn't miss it.

PATSY

Your running going pretty good, is it, Diane?

DIANE

My coach seems to think so. He's entered me in my first race. (POSES PLEASED WITH SELF) It's only two weeks away.

PATSY

Hey, maybe I can help train you, Diane. I used to lead the boys in the Navy through training drills.

SAM

Naw, Patsy, chasing guys around the shower room snapping at them with a wet towel doesn't count.

DIANE

(IGNORING SAM'S COMMENT) Sorry, Patsy. I appreciate the offer, but I think one coach and one trainer - (INDICATING NORM) –is all I can handle right now.

PATSY

Who is your coach, Diane? Maybe I've heard of him.

CLIFF

Probably some guy down at that gym who's interested in running after Diane. A real loser.

NORM

I get sweaty just thinking about gyms. Hit me with another golden grain, Patsy.

DIANE

He's not after anything. He's only interested in helping new runners reach their potential.

CARLA

So what's his name? (WITH A SNEER) Frank Shorter?

DIANE

No, but he mentioned that he knows Mr. Shorter.

SAM

Sounds like some long-winded dork trying to get into your running knickers who's using Frank Shorter's name to make points.

CLIFF

Well let me ask you this, Diane. Does this...phantom of the footloose set know anything about the...a...great marathoners?

DIANE

Well, yes...I suppose so. (BEAT) He's coming by a little later to take me on a training run. You can ask him yourself.

DIANE GOES BACK TO WORK, HUSTLING WITH AN ENERGY SHE'S NEVER DISPLAYED BEFORE, WHILE THE GANG SILENTLY WATCHES HER, SHAKING ITS COLLECTIVE HEAD. NORM PUNCHES CLIFF'S ARM.

NORM

You can really put this guy away and save Diane from getting herself into more trouble.

CLIFF

(RAISING A FIST) Knowledge is power, and with this power Diane shall be saved from a fate worse than fallen arches.

SAM

So, Cliff. No top female runner is ever going to beat a top male runner...

CLIFF

Of course not. It's against nature.

NORM

How about not-so-top male and female runners?

CLIFF

(SHRUGS) What's good for the gander isn't so good for the goose.

CARLA

So what you're sayin' - and correct me if I've misunderstood your highly technical explanation - is that Sam Malone here, ex-jock, could beat Miss Sweetie-Pants Chambers over there, at her own game.

CLIFF

Well, yeah... I guess that's what I'm sayin'. Yeah, sure. Muscle over fat. And old Sammy Boy here's got more of an advantage than just that: he knows the pain of competition, while Diane's merely tip-toe-ing through the tulips as a lark.

SAM

Well, now, Cliff, I don't know. She's been training regularly and I haven't run since last year's softball league.

CARLA

Come on, Sam. You run after every good-looking female that crosses your path.

NORM

Yeah, but that doesn't even make him breathe hard.

CARLA

That's for sure. He delegates the hard breathing to you bozos.

CLIFF

(CONSPIRATORIALLY) Sam, this is your chance to show Miss Sweat Sock just how off-base she and her phantom coach are.

NORM

Yeah, come on Sammy. It'll make my training with Diane a little more tolerable if there's a real donnybrook at the end of the tunnel.

CLIFF

Sure, Sammy. You're in good shape and you can get in terrific shape in two weeks. And don't forget, once those athletic genes get reactivated, they'll be rarin' to go.

CARLA

(LEERING) Sam's best athletic jeans are the one's he's wearin' right now.

NORM

Come on, Sam, you kin do it -

CARLA

Yeah, Sam, show Goldielocks your heels -

CLIFF

Oh, Miss Chambers! Could you join us here for a brief exchange of - gauntlets?

DIANE

What is it, Cliff? Need directions to the men's room?

CLIFF

We have something of a gentleman's bet, a little wager brewing here, Diane, in the field of competition. We're betting that a natural-born male athlete, herein represented by one Sam Malone, is capable of beating one Diane Chambers to the finish line of her forthcoming footrace. What'ya say?

DIANE

I didn't know that Sam was a runner.

CLIFF

That's just it, Diane. He's not. But he's a natural athlete. What'ya say? You against Sammy - and may the best man win. Your chance to show him just what's what here in the athletic arena. What'ya say? Is it a man's world or not? It's up to you to prove your mettle and represent your sex.

CARLA

Come on, Whitebread, you'll give us all a reason to like running.

DIANE

But I'm not running to compete. I'm only competing against me. I don't want to race against Sam. He's experienced, he played professional sports, and before that he played in grade school, high school - nearly his whole life. I'm just starting to be an athlete to myself. (DIANE WARMS TO THE THOUGHT) None of you will ever again be able to throw Sam Malone's masculinity up to me. And every woman Sam dates will have a little edge because he'll never know if she can physically beat him at something, just like I did -

SAM

Now wait just a minute -

DIANE

What do you think, Patsy?

PATSY

I'd wait until you had more races under your belt if I was you. Plus also too, there's a big difference between running for fun and running to win. It could take all the joy out of it for you.

CARLA

But it could make you a famous celebrity - at least in this bar.

DIANE

Around what does your wager wage?

CLIFF

We haven't come up with that yet, Diane. We just wanted to feel you out first.

DIANE

Hmmm. If I were to race, which I'm not going to do, there's a wonderful running vacation in the Bahamas coming up in a month. I sure could use the week off - with pay, of course.

CLIFF

Sammy? That agreeable with you?

SAM

What do I get when I win?

DIANE

Hmmm. Something that would be much too good for you - if you were to win, that is. A thorough clean-up of that hovel you call and apartment -

SAM

Hovel? But Diane, some of our most memorable moments were spent there -

DIANE

The only reason anyone would spend time there, Mr. Sam Malone, is to hide out from the invading Mongol hordes - But if we were going to bet, my wager would be to clean your hovel for two months. But of course there's no chance of that because I'm not running against you.

CLIFF

Oh, come on Diane, be a sport.

SAM

(HOLDS UP HIS HAND TO SHAKE) Come on, Diane -

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS, AND BILL RODGERS WALKS IN. THE FOUR-TIME WINNER OF THE BOSTON AND NEW YORK CITY MARATHONS, THE TWO-TIME AMERICAN RECORD-HOLDER IN THE MARATHON, RODGERS LIVES AND WORKS IN THE BOSTON AREA, AND IS AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN TO ALL AS “BOSTON BILLY.”

DIANE

(WAVING ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Oh, Coach! Over here. I want you to meet some of the regulars. They'd love to meet you.

THE RESPONSES ARE VARIED, ACCORDING TO THEIR KNOWLEDGE OF SPORTS. NORM IS CONFUSED, PATSY GRINS AND QUIETLY CONTINUES TO POLISH GLASSES, CARLA BEAMS, CLIFF HIDES HIS HEAD ON THE TOP OF HIS HANDS, WHICH ARE SPRAWLED ON THE BAR, AND SAM IS INITIALLY ECSTATIC TO SEE BOSTON BILLY; SAM GOES TO HIM WITH HAND THAT WAS OUTSTRETCHED TO SHAKE WITH DIANE NOW READY TO SHAKE WITH BILLY.

SAM

What a pleasure to have you here at Cheers. We cheered you like crazy in 1980 when you took Boston for the fourth time. We really threw a party afterwards. We almost called you -

BILLY

You must be -

DIANE

This is the mean boss I work for, Sam Malone. You remember, the broken-down ex-ballplayer.

BILLY

We cheered you during the '79 playoffs -

CARLS

(INSINUATES HERSELF INTO THE INTROS) You're so tiny - and cute.

DIANE

And this is Carla, one of my colleagues in barmaid bondage - And behind the bar is Patsy Milan, a former pugger - (PATSY WAVES A GLASS) And over there is Norm, my trainer, and this is his trusty steed - (SHE SIDESTEPS THE BIKE, LEADING BILLY TO CLIFF) And this is Cliff Claven, our resident know-it-...expert in many fields.

CLIFF

And federal civil servant, on his appointed rounds, getting in his daily mileage, just like you do, B-B-R.

SAM

(COMING UP BEHIND DIANE) This isn't...can't really be your coach...can it, Diane?

DIANE

What does B-B-R mean? What Cliff just called him?

SAM

“Boston Billy” Rodgers, local pride and joy, and international running celeb. (TO BILLY) So how's our girl doin'?

BILLY

She's taking to running...well...like you took to baseball.

DIANE

(HER EYES LIGHT UP; SHE TAKES SAM'S HAND AND SHAKES) May the best athlete win.

NORM

(ALMOST SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH DIANE'S DIALOGUE) Oh, that B-B-R. Anyone wanna lay some side bets on the footrace of the decade? Geeze, this is going to make the Billy Jean King versus Bobby Riggs tennis match look like a game of tiddly-winks.

SAM

You can't possibly hold me to this bet, Diane. You have an unfair advantage -

DIANE

We shook, Mr. Sam Malone. Now you can show us your stuff.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. CHEERS BAR. HAPPY HOUR.

IT IS ONE WEEK AFTER THE WAGER HAS BEEN MADE, WHICH MAKES IT ONE WEEK TO GO UNTIL THE BIG RACE. THE BAR IS NICELY CROWDED, AND THERE IS HEAVY RED SOX TALK AMONG MANY OF THE PATRONS, BUT AMONG THE REGULARS IT IS TALK OF TRAINING, TRAINING, TRAINING. CLIFF OCCUPIES HIS USUAL STOOL. PATSY IS BEHIND THE BAR. CARLA WAITS TABLES. THERE IS A SIGN ON SAM'S OFFICE DOOR THAT PROCLAIMS “DO NOT DISTURB.”

CLIFF

So what time's Normy gonna be back?

PATSY

(LOOKS AT CEILING; CLIFF LOOKS UP TO SEE WHAT HE SEES, CATCHES HIMSELF) Should be any minute now.

CLIFF

So you haven't budged in your assessment of The Great Race, huh? Your money's still on Diane, is it?

PATSY

You guys still on this, huh? I ain't usually a bettin' man, but I'm still with Diane. She's my man. (DOES LITTLE CHEERLEADER MOVE) If she can't do it, no man can!

CLIFF

(WAVING CARLA OVER) Hey, hey, Carla!

CARLA

I think that was, “Hey, hey, Paula,” but what'd'ya want, (SARCASTICALLY) Cliffy?

CLIFF

You still have not explained to my satisfaction, and I think I speak for everyone else in the bar, why you have swung your...er...considerable support away from Sam and toward Diane. We were of the opinion that your appreciation of Diane knew many bounds.

CARLA

It's just one of those things - one of those two million or so things - that you are incapable of understanding.

PATSY

I think I understand it Carla, but it might really help me if you did a review. (HE POINTS AT HIS HEAD) You know -

CARLA

Oh, yeah - (GIVES PATSY A THUMBS-UP) Things don't stick so good no more. (PATSY NODS AND LEANS FORWARD ON THE BAR, RAPT) You all know what I think of Sammy. To me the sun rises and falls on the man. And if one of my kids grew up to be one-tenth the man Sam Malone is, I'd give up this wild existence and devote the rest of my life to Holy Mother Church. On the other hand... (SHE HOLDS UP RIGHT HAND, PALM UP) ...you also know what I think of the geek. (BETWEEN BARRED TEETH) If one of my kids so much as hints at growing up as a puffed-up, pretentious, know-it-all, whimpy, sniveling little twerp, I'll...I'll stuff it down the garbage disposal.

CLIFF

So, yeah, Carla. Now you see why some of us don't understand.

CARLA

(LOOKING FROM CLIFF TO PATSY) Neither of you would understand because neither of you is a woman and ain't likely to ever be - although you exhibit certain potential, Claven.

THERE IS A COMMOTION AT THE FRONT DOOR, AND NORM BURSTS IN, ATTIRED IN GRAY SWEATSUIT, GYM TRUNKS, HIGH-TOP SNEAKERS, RED SOX CAP, WHISTLE AROUND HIS NECK AND THREE CHRONOGRAPHS ON HIS LEFT ARM. HE HEADS TO HIS USUAL SEAT, BUT WITH A BOUCE IN HIS STRIDE.

CROWD

Norm!

PATSY

What can I get you, Norm?

NORM

Glass of water, Patsy.

PATSY, CARLA, AND CLIFF ARE AGHAST. PATSY CAREFULLY GOES THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF DRAWING A GLASS OF WATER. HE PUTS IT DOWN ON THE BAR IN FRONT OF NORM. NORM PICKS IT UP AND CAREFULLY POURS IT OVER HIS CHEST SO THAT IT PRODUCES A SWEAT-LIKE PATTERN ON CHEST AND ARMPITS. HE NODS TO PATSY.

NORM

Okay, Patsy, me man. Now you can hit me with some of that amber fluid replacement stuff. (PATSY DRAWS BEER; NORM DRINKS) This exercise stuff isn't half bad, as long as you stress the recovery half instead of the work half. (HE TAKES ANOTHER LONG SUCK OF BEER) Ahhhh!

CLIFF

So, Normy, how's the training going? Our bets secure, are they?

CARLA

Yeah, Benedict Arnold, how is the training coming? Geeze, I can't believe the geek's own trainer moved over to the opposing camp.

NORM

It's not everyone who can do it: be dedicated to a lost cause, while still having the will to make a few bucks off the coming disaster.

CLIFF

She's that bad, huh? Ooooooh (RUBBING HANDS TOGETHER), I can't wait.

CARLA

Cough up, Normy. Just how good or bad is she? And no tricks, because I've got my feelers out.

CLIFF

You always have your feelers out, there, Carla.

CARLA

Yeah, well, you'll never have to worry about feeling my feelers, Claven.

CLIFF

Carla here always gets a bit cranky when she goes a whole week without giving birth.

PATSY

So how is Diane doing, Norm?

NORM

Well, let me put it this way: You've gotta give her credit for trying. Coach Rodgers says she's built up good endurance, but honest, I've never seen anyone who's so thoroughly got only one speed. She jogs, runs, and sprints at exactly the same speed. A nine minute two second mile. (HOLDS UP LEFT ARM TO SHOW THREE CHRONOGRAPHS) You can set your watch by her.

PATSY

That's called pacing, Norm.

NORM

You haven't been there. I call it boring. (NODS TO EMPTY MUG) 'Nother amber Gatorade.

CARLA

Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. I'm goin' in and check out the other side.

NORM AND CLIFF

(RESTRAINING CARLA) Whoa, there, Carla!

PATSY

Sam doesn't want anyone interrupting him. He said so himself. He stays in there for hours at a time.

CLIFF

He's workin' out his race strategy.

CARLA

Let me go, you stiffs, before I poke all your eyes out. (THEY UNHAND HER) I'm gonna assess this situation immediately. (SHE MARCHES ACROSS TO THE OFFICE DOOR, RAPS) Sam Malone, I know you're in there. Let me in. (SHE TRIES THE DOOR KNOB; IT'S LOCKED)

SAM

(FROM OTHER SIDE OF DOOR, WITH GASPING BREATH ABOVE WHIRRING NOISE) Go away, Carla, I'm thinking.

CARLA

(PUTTING EAR TO DOOR) That's some of the noisiest thinking I've ever heard. Sounds like my kids doing their homework.

CARLA WALKS BACK, FINGER ON CHIN, EYES SURVEYING THE BAR. SHE SPOTS A GUY AT A TABLE READING THE BOSTON GLOBE AND TEARS IT FROM HIS HANDS, MARCHING BACK OT THE OFFICE DOOR.

CARLA

(IN SING-SONG VOICE) Oh Mr. Malone -

SAM

I told you, Carla, I'm busy.

CARLA

There's someone here (SHE WAVES PAPER) with the Globe.

SAM THROWS OPEN THE OFFICE DOOR, DUBBELLS IN HIS HANDS, AND CARLA WAVES THE PAPER UNDER HIS NOSE, DUCKS UNDER HIS ARMS, ENTERS OFFICE. HE QUICKLY LOOKS AROUD THE BAR AND DUCKS BACK INSIDE OFFICE.

INT. SAM'S OFFICE

THE OFFICE IS VERY TIGHTLY PACKED WITH EXERCISE EQUIPMENT. A TREADMILL IS PUSHED AGAINST ONE WALL, AND AN AIR-DYNE EXERCISE CYCLE IS IN FRONT OF THE DESK: ON ITS READING PEDESTAL IS A COPY OF RUNNER'S WORLD MAGAZINE. THE WHEEL OF THE AIR-DYNE IS STILL SPINNING. SAM IS LEANING BACK AGAINST HIS DESK, CATCHING HIS BREATH, PERSPIRED AND A BIT ANNOYED. HE IS WEARING A TRENDY TENNIS OUTFIT.

CARLA

This place looks like the chamber of horrors. (SHE WALKS TO THE CLOSET) So where ya hiding Bela Lugosi?

SAM

(PEEVED) So what'd'ya want, Carla?

CARLA

(PLAYING WITH THE ARM EXERCISER BARS ON THE BIKE) Kink-Eee. (BEAT) Oh, nothing, Sammy. Just wanted to see if you were still alive in here.

SAM

(MAKING TO USHER HER OUT) So now you've seen. So now you can leave. I've got work to do.

CARLA

(WITH GREAT SELF-SATISFACTION) So the geek has got you worried - really worried.

SAM

(PUTS HAND ON DOOR TO KEEP CARLA IN) Whoa there, whoa. This? This worried? No way, no way. A good athlete always prepares for a competition. Always. I'm merely preparing.

CARLA

Looks like some pretty heavy preparation to me. Couldn't be desperate preparation, could it?

SAM

Come on, Carla. You don't really think Diane's got a chance, do you?

CARLA

Well, I gotta admit that at first I didn't think she did. But I threw my hat into her circle on principles - principles most men wouldn't understand. Win or lose, I don't know. (SHE REEACHES INTO HER APRON AND PULLS OUT HER TIP MONEY, CAREFULLY COUNTING IT) I find myself starting to warm to the geek. The kids could use some new clothes, 'cause if they had new clothes I could send them out of the house more often so I could get some peace and quiet.

SAM

You aren't gonna put money on this, are you Carla? Against me? I thought you were my friend...

CARLA

(CONTINUING TO COUNR HER TIP MONEY) Oh, I am Sam. Evermore, evermore. But, as they say in Italy, nothing personal, this is business.

SAM

That's all it is to you, business?

CARLA

Not at first, no. At first it was silly, you wanting to race dippy Diane. Then it got to be fun. Then it confused me for a little while, 'til I sorted it out in my head and when I did that, there was a principle involved. And that bothered me, because when principles get involved it takes away some of the fun. But now it's business, too, so that can outweigh the principle of the matter, and it can get back to being fun - and potentially profitable.

SAM

What principle? Ever since you've gone over to Diane's side, you keep using that word.

CARLA

For all you know about women, Mr. Sam Malone, it's one thing you'll never know about us because you weren't born a woman. 'Cause if you were, that'd be our loss, you big lug, you. (GOES ON TIPPY-TOE TO KISS SAM ON THE CHEEK) Lose one for the Gipper's kids, Sammy.

CARLA EXITS THE OFFICE, LEAVING SAM STANDING FLAT-FOOTED AND CONFUSED. HE SLOWLY REMOUNTS THE EXERCISE CYCLE AND BEGINS PEDALING, CURLING HIS DUMBBELLS AND READING HIS MAGAZINE.

FADE TO:

STOCK SHOT OF COMMONWEALTH AVENUE IN THE SPRING.

FADE IN:

INT. CHEERS BAR. EARLY MORNING.

THE BAR IS NOT OPEN FOR BUSINESS BUT ALL THE REGULARS ARE GATHERED, DIANE WEARING A FASHIONABLE WARM-UP OUTFIT, PATSY BEHIND THE BAR SERVING COFFEE, NORM, CLIFF, AND CARLA SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE BAR, LOOKING TIRED, ALL THREE WEARING RACE T-SHIRTS WITH VOLUNTEER PROMINENTLY STENCILED ON THE BACKS OF THE SHIRTS. DIANE IS PACING ABOUT, NERVOUS. THE THREE VOLUNTEERS ARE NEARLY COMATOSE.

DIANE

Has anyone seen Sam?

PATSY

He's in his office. Been in there since before I got here to open up.

DIANE

(PACING) Do you think he's ready for this?

CLIFF

(SLEEPILY) You kidding? Sam's always on the ready.

DIANE

(STILL PACING) It sure was nice of you guys to volunteer to help at the race. They can certainly use the help. The race gets plenty of runners, but never enough volunteers.

NORM

We're always ready to do our part, Diane. (DROPS HEAD BACK DOWN ON BAR)

CARLA

(GROWLING) Why do they schedule these things so early? When I got up to leave, my kids asked if I was goin' to the hospital to bring home another kid.

DIANE

Don't you worry, Carla. When you get to the start/finish area, the excitement will get into your blood.

CLIFF

Yeah, Carla. How'd you manage to get a sweet job like finish line monitor

CARLA

They knew I had a lot of kids and wouldn't mind watching people getting sick and throwing up on themselves at the end of this thing.

CLIFF

(MAKING FACE) Gross! I'll happily keep my job of handing out water to thirsty runners. Especially thirsty nubile female runners.

NORM

Hey, Cliffy. You bring along those special paper cups?

CLIFF

Stayed up half the night gettin' 'em ready.

CARLA

What special cups?

CLIFF

Well, there's two kinds. (HOLDS UP TWO PLASTIC BAGS FILLED WITH PAPER CUPS) One kind, Brand A, has a carefully placed series of holes so the water will dribble all over the guy when he tries to drink it -

CARLA

A dribble paper cup? Now I've heard it all -

DIANE

(STILL PACING) And what distinguishes Brand A from Brand B?

NORM

(LAUGHING) You'll love this one -

CLIFF

Brand B is customized for beautiful young female runners and comes complete with Clifford Claven's phone number printed on the bottom of the cup. Pretty clever, huh?

DIANE

Pretty awful, if you ask me -

NORM

Just be careful you don't get 'em mixed up in all the excitement. Your mother may be fielding calls from some pretty cute guys.

DIANE

And what is your job designation, Norman

NORM

Making use of my vast talents in accounting, I'll be recording the numbers on the front of runners' shirts as they complete the first lap in order to guarantee there will be no cheating. (BEAT) What number you got, Diane?

DIANE ZIPS OPEN THE TOP OF HER WARM-UPS TO REVEAL A FASHIONABLE BILL RODGERS RUNNING CLOTHING RACING OUTFIT, SPORTING THE NUMBER 38; WHILE ATTENTION IS ON DIANE, SAM EMERGES UNSEEN FROM HIS OFFICE. HE IS DRESSED IN A YUPPIE TENNIS OUTFIT: DARK SHORTS, LIGHT-COLORED SHIRT, TENNIS SHOES. HE IS WEARING NUMBER 431. HE APPEARS NERVOUS AND A BIT ILL AT EASE, BUT SPOTTING DIANE'S LOW NUMBER, HE SUDDENLY HAS SOMETHING ON WHICH TO FOCUS HIS ATTENTION.

SAM

Well, Diane, I guess it's who you know, and not what you know, huh?

DIANE

Oh, hello Sam. What? (SHE IS CONFUSED, BUT FOLLOWS HIS GAZE TO HER NUMBER; HIS MEANING DAWNS) Oh, that -

CARLA

We know it ain't her chest size -

SAM

This is a real high for you, isn't it? You know Bill Rodgers so he gets you a low number, and that makes you think you're an elite athlete and it's supposed to psyche me out. Well, it doesn't!

DIANE

Sam -

SAM

(HOLDING UP HIS HAND TO QUIET HER) I didn't really want to do this thing. I wanted to call it off. But it was your decision to go ahead with it -

DIANE

Sam - (SHE TOUCHES HIS ARM, TRYING TO CALM HIM) They issue the numbers for this race in the same sequence they receive the entries. I sent my entry in sooner than you did -

NORM

The pen is faster than the feet -

SAM

Ah, yeah, well I knew that - (TURNS AWAY A SECOND, CONFUSED) Well, anyway, Diane, I don't intend to rub this in when I put you away. (DIANE APPEARS NONPLUSSED) But I hope you'll be a big enough person to acknowledge defeat gracefully...

CARLA

The race isn't won until the runnin' is done, Mr. Malone, and you don't win with talk.

CLIFF

She does get up on the wrong side of the bed, doesn't she? No wonder your husband left you, Carla.

CARLA

I left him, dink.

NORM

Bet it was first thing in the morning.

DIANE

Well, Sam. I'd like to wish you the best (HOLD OUT HAND TO SHAKE) of luck today.

SAM

Luck? Skill, talent, and speed wins the race. (RECANTS A BIT; HOLD OUT HIS HAND) May the best man -

DIANE

(SIMULTANEOUS WITH SAM) –best person -

SAM

--win. (THEY SHAKE HANDS: HOLDS A MOMENT; BREAKS; LOOKS AROUND) Any of you volunteers need a ride to the starting line? Sam “Hot Foot” Malone is leaving.

NORM

It's less than a half-mile from here, Sammy. I thought you'd want to jog on over there. That's what we're gonna do, right guys?

CARLA AND CLIFF GLARE THREATENLY AT NORM, WHO HOLDS UP HIS HANDS IN SURRENDER.

NORM

Sure, Sammy, we'd love a ride. Comin', Diane? Patsy?

DIANE

I'll come a little later.

PATSY

I'll stay here to get things ready for the post-race party.

CLIFF

(DRAGGING HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR) Make sure you show up over there Diane. A no-show is the same as a loss -

DIANE

(WAVING GOODBYE AS ALL LEAVE EXCEPT HER AND PATSY) I'll be there. Wouldn't miss it -

AS THEY DISAPPEAR UP THE FRONT STEPS, DIANE RESUMES HER NERVOUS PACING. PATSY WATCHES HER AS HE WIPES BEER MUGS.

PATSY

You keep this up and you'll wear a floor in the hole.

DIANE

I can't seem to stop moving. I feel so...nervous.

PATSY

Pre-race jitters. I used to have the same thing happen before a fight, only I used to throw up. Even after 15 years of it. Butterflies in the stomach. Sweaty palms. Dry moth. Your friend Boston Billy probably still gets nervous before a race. Everybody does. It goes away as soon as the bell sounds.

DIANE

I just wish I hadn't allowed myself to get lured into this race against Sam. (BEAT) You were right. It's taking all the fun out of my first race. And I wanted it to be such a positive experience.

PATSY

It still can be. Just run the race the way you were trained for it.

DIANE

But what if I do beat Sam? What if I win the wager?

PATSY

Oh - Yeah. Well, then you beat him. Even though there's nothing wrong with losing, there's nothing wrong with winning, either. Problem is that sometimes it's more difficult to deal with winning than it is with losing. It makes you think of yourself differently, that's for sure. (HE GRINS WIDELY) But what's the sense of worrying about something before it happens?

DIANE

That sounds like a wonderful insight, Patsy. Could you take me through it one more time?

PATSY

What's that, Diane?

DIANE

(SMILING) That what I thought - (HEADS TOWARD DOOR)

PATSY

Best of luck, Diane. Remember to run your own race -

DIANE LEAVES WITH A SPRING IN HER STEP, JOGS UP THE STEPS. PATSY SIPS FROM HIS COFFEE MUG AND DOES A WEE BIT OF SHADOW BOXING, HIS MIND WANDERING BACK TO GLORY DAYS.

FADE TO:

STOCK SHOT OF BOSTON ROAD RACE.

FADE IN:

INT. CHEERS BAR. HIGH NOON.

PATSY IS OFFICIATING AT THE BAR, WHICH HAS A GOOD SUNDAY MORNING CROWD, WITH PLENTY OF RUNNERS SPRINKLED ABOUT, RERUNNING THE RACE OVER MUGS OF BEER. REGULARLY, MORE RUNNERS, FRIENDS OF RUNNERS, AND RACE VOLUNTEERS WANDER IN. SUDDENLY THERE IS SOME COMMOTION AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, AND TWO WHITE-SUITED AMBULANCE ATTENDANTS COME DOWN THE STAIRS BEARING A STRETCHER, ACCOMPANIED BY A BUXOM NURSE. ON THE STRETCHER IS SAM MALONE, LOOKING GRAY AND WAN. HE WEAKLY DIRECTS THEM TOWARD HIS OFFICE. A LANE OPENS IN THE SUDDENLY HUSHED CROWD. THE ENTOURAGE MOVES INTO SAM'S OFFICE, PATSY COMING AROUND THE BAR TO FOLLOW. AS PATSY ARRIVES AT THE DOOR, THE AMBULANCE ATTENDANTS EMERGE, CARRYING THE STRETCHER. PATSY ADVANCES, CONCERNED LOOK ON HIS FACE, BUT THE NURSE HOLDS UP HER HAND TO KEEP HIM OUT AND SHE CLOSES THE DOOR. PATSY STANDS THERE, BEWILDERED. SOUND OF REVELERS RESUMES.

ANONYMOUS RUNNER

(VOICE ONLY, SLIGHTLY LOUDER THAN B.G. CONVERSATION) Boy, its guys like that that give running a bad rap -

PATSY TURNS IN AN ATTEMPT TO LOCATE THE SPEAKER BUT FAILS. TURNS BACK ROWARD SAM'S OFFICE DOOR, KNOCKS.

PATSY

Sam, Sam. You all right?

NURSE

(OPENING DOOR A CRACK) Mr. Malone does not wish to be disturbed.

PATSY

Oh. Oh, sure.

THERE IS A CLAMORING FOR MORE BEER AND PATSY RETURNS TO WORK BEHIND THE BAR. HE SERVES UP A FEW BREW, A PUZZLED, CONCERNED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. A MOMENT LATER THERE IS ANOTHER COMMOTION AT THE FRONT DOOR AND CARLA, NORM, AND CLIFF ENTER, BABBLING AMONG THEMSELVES AS THEY HEAD FOR THE BAR.

CLIFF

Geeze, I wish I'd have seen that. Just slowed down to half speed and froze, huh?

CARLA

Yeah, I couldn't believe it. Just like somebody poured quick-dry cement down his shorts. Zap! Right in front of the scorers, and with another lap to go. I tried to pretend that I didn't know him.

NORM

Come on, Carla, I've never known you to pass up a chance to be a name-dropper.

CARLA

Okay, okay. I admitted that I knew him, but only after I was sure he wasn't dead.

CLIFF

It was really that bad, huh?

PATSY

(BESIDE HIMSELF WITH CONFUSION) What? What happened?

CLIFF

Sammy. He let us down. Went out like a shot and halfway through the race, boom - (SLAPS BAR) –-he's down on his back, right in front of Carla and all the finish-line judges.

NORM

Yeah, and I missed it because I turned my clipboard over to my back-up number-checker while I went to the rest room for a minute. All that coffee -

PATSY

But he's gonna be all right, isn't he?

CARLA

Sure, they just took him by the emergency ward to give him a quick check-over. (SHE PUTS HER HAND DOWN ON THE BAR, PALM UP) So cross my palm with silver, bozos.

CLIFF

Ah, I'll have to pay you on Tuesday, Carla. (REACHES FOR WALLET) Unless you'll take a check -

CARLA

You're joking, of course.

NORM

I think we should demand a rematch, but here's my money. I can't believe that Sammy would be so dumb to go out that fast when he's not in shape.

PATSY

But he'll be all right -

CLIFF

Physically, yeah. Mentally - (HOLDS HAND ABOVE BAR, ROCKS IT BACK AND FORTH) –-I dunno.

CARLA

A crushing defeat, but I'm many dollars closer to retirement.

NORM

So how'd your scheme go to get some phone calls by slipping your unlisted number to the runners of the female gender, Cliffy?

CLIFF

Well, I won't know until I go home later today and check my answering machine. I put a 90-minute tape on, though, to handle the load.

CARLA

Thirty seconds would have been more than enough for some girl to call up and tell you to drop dead.

PATSY

Sam will be all right -

NORM

Sure, Patsy, no trouble. No trouble.

PATSY

How's Diane? Still out there?

CLIFF

No way, Patsy. She's getting her picture taken, with the other winners. She took third place in her age group.

CARLA

I thought I'd die when I saw the look on her face when they announced her age. She looked like she's swallowed a bug.

CLIFF

Better make room behind the bar there for her trophy, Patsy. And chill one of her favorite ritzy wines. I'm sure Sammy would want to be generous enough to offer her at least a little toast, being the gentleman sportsman that he is. If he can't win for us, at least he can be as generous in defeat as we'd be in his place.

CARLA

You payin' for the wine, Claven?

CLIFF

Scratch the wine.

NORM

I wonder when Sammy'll get here.

PATSY

Oh, he is here.

THE THREE REACT SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH A LOOK OF SURPRISE. PATSY POINTS TO SAM'S OFFICE.

PATSY

With a nurse.

NORM

Sammy, my boy. I knew he wasn't dead.

CLIFF

A good-looking nurse, right? Not an old hag. Not a male nurse.

PATSY

Real good-lookin'.

CARLA

(WITH A FROWN) I'm gonna see about this. He didn't look like he had enough left to kiss a thermometer. (SHE SQUINTS UP HER EYES) I'll help you cover in a second, Patsy. Soon as I get back.

PATSY

(AS CARLA STARTS FOR SAM'S OFFICE DOOR) She won't let anyone in there -

CARLA

(BANGS ON DOOR) Open this door!

SAM

(WEAKLY) Who is it?

CARLA

Florence J. Nightingale, who do'ya think?

NURSE

(OPENING THE DOOR A CRACK) You can't bother -

CARLA

(PUSHING HER WAY INSIDE) Go take a visit to the powder room while I sort out this guy's marbles.

SAM

(FROM INSIDE) Go ahead, Gina. I'll be all right.

CARLA

Yeah, Gina, come back in five minutes, once he's cured.

INT. SAM'S OFFICE.

SAM IS SPREAWLED ON SOFA AGAINST WALL, LOOING WEAK AND GRAY. CARLA SITS ON EDGE OF DESK.

SAM

Oh, hi Carla -

CARLA

You look terrible -

SAM

I'm fine, fine -

CARLA

No, I'm serious, Malone. You look terrible. You're all gray all over and you look like you barfed.

SAM

No, no, I didn't barf.

CARLA

Would you like to? I can leave the room.

SAM

No, I'll be fine.

CARLA

That's a matter of opinion.

SAM

What'ya mean?

CARLA

Ya really blew it today, Malone.

SAM

What? Ya come in here to rub it in?

CARLA

Not exactly although I probably ought to. (SHE FOLDS HER ARMS ACROSS HER CHEST)

SAM

You came in to gloat -

CARLA

Wrong again.

SAM

Then why are you here? Didn't I lose by enough to suit your turncoat heart?

CARLA

Turncoat?

SAM

You went over to Diane's side - against me! (MAKES WEAK ATTEMPT TO SIT UP)

CARLA

(SHE TICKS THE POINTS OFF ON HER FINGERS) There are principles involved. There was money involved - which I'm not against getting.

SAM

Whoa! Whoa! Back to principles. What principles?

CARLA

Your treatment of women -

SAM

Whoa there -

CARLA

Now I don't have anything against you chasing after every good-looking woman who comes along, because if they didn't want you catching them, they could just tell you to take a walk. In fact, I like to see the ole Sammy Malone operate. I'm compiling a collection of corny lines. (SHE HOLDS UP HER HAND TO SHORT-CIRCUIT AN INTERRUPTION) But when you and your buddies out there start making out like women are inferior just because they're women - that turns the tables and I've heard enough.

SAM

So you backed Diane because of that? But we were just having fun.

CARLA

(GLARING) Fun at whose expense? Tweetie Pie out there was working hard with what she had and she needed support, not some macho crap about how she was inferior just because she's a woman.

SAM

(BOWING HEAD; STILL LOOKING GRAY; HOLDS HEAD IN HANDS) You're right, Carla. You're right. So what do I do now?

CARLA

She'll be back soon with her little trophy. I want you to go out there and congratulate her on a well-run race, on her strategy, and on her efforts to be less dinky -

SAM

But Norm...Patsy...Cliff...the others...

A KNOCK SOUNDS ON THE DOOR.

NURSE

Open this door immediately.

CARLA

Do you have enough strength left to be saved by ole Carla?

SAM

What?

CARLA OPENS DOOR TO LET GINA IN; AS SHE WALKS PAST, CARLA TWEAKS HER ON THE BUTT: GINA LETS OUT A SHREIK OF SURPRISE. CARLA MARCHES OUT THE DOOR, BACK OT THE BAR.

INT. CHEERS BAR.

CLIFF AND NORM ARE OUT OF THEIR STOOLS AND EVERYONE ELSE'S ATTENTION IS DIVERTED BY THE SQUEAL. AWAY FROM THE CELEBRATION OF DIANE, WHO IS SHOWING PATSY HER TROPHY, A NUDE GREEK GODDESS IN FULLL RUNNING STRIDE.

NORM

What happened?

CARLA

Sam's working his wiles on Miss Nursie, and I think's she's taking the cure.

CLIFF

That devil -

CARLA

He has her convinced that he faked his collapse because he spotted her at the emergency aid station and he couldn't go another lap in life without her. You buy it?

NORM

It's not important whether we buy it. Has the master's spell worked on the object of his desire?

DIANE

That cad. Playing with a nurse's professional principles to help the sick just so he can get his way with her. And to think I was beginning to feel sorry for him -

CLIFF

But back to important matters right here and now. You can help us on this call, Carla. Diane won this highly erotic work of art -

DIANE

A Greek goddess is not erotic.

CLIFF

She's naked, isn't she?

NORM

Hold it up, Diane. Show Carla.

DIANE

(RELUCTANTLY HOLDS UP TROPHY) I don't see anything erotic.

CARLA

(HOLDING BACK A LAUGH) It could use some clothes.

NORM

We could paint some on her.

PATSY

So what's the decision? Do we keep the bowling trophy back of the bar or do we substitute Diane's...slightly esoteric lady?

NORM

I think it's only fair to take a vote.

SAM EMERGES FROM HIS OFFICE, BEING SUPPORTED BY NURSE, WHO HELPS HIM OVER TO A STOOL. HE STILL LOOKS PALE AND GRAY.

NORM

(TO CLIFF) Boy, when he lays it on, he goes all the way.

CLIFF

(TURNING TO SAM) So, Sam, how do you feel?

CARLA

He feels fine, don't you, Sam?

SAM

(WEAKLY) Never better.

PATSY

Then you're just in time to help vote on replacing the bowling trophy with Diane's running trophy -

SAM

Yeah, by the way, congratulations on a good race, Diane. You really did what you said you'd do.

DIANE

Oh, you know how it is: good coaching, good training, lead a clean life - But I see that you got a trophy, too, huh Sam?

SAM

(SHEEPISHLY) So let's see your trophy.

PATSY HANDS IT OVER TO SAM, WHO BEGINS STROKING IT LOVINGLY.

DIANE

I can't quite tell, Sam, is that because you covet it because you didn't win it, or do you covet it for purely artistic reasons?

SAM

She hasn't got any clothes -

CLIFF

Erotic, see?

SAM

(HANDING TROPHY BACK TO PATSY) Put her up there, Patsy. The fine ladies we have working here deserve to have a female trophy among all the male goodies from my athletic days.

DIANE

Well, thank you Sam.

CARLA ELBOWS SAM IN THE RIBS, BUCKLING HIM OVER, WHERE HE'S CAUGHT ON HIS WAY DOWN BY GINA. CARLA GIVES DIANE A THUMBS-UP OVER SAM'S BACK AND DIANE RECIPROCATES WITH A WINK.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

CREDITS